Note to self: Never delete my Facebook profile. If I do, I will be sucked into an alternate universe, like the one in last night’s hilarious South Park Facebook episode. Weeding my way through status updates, likes, and pokes before being forced to battle my profile in a vicious game of Yahtzee. To the death.

“You Have Zero Friends” started off with Cartman and Kyle creating a Facebook profile for Stan, who had no interest in being a part of the social networking website. Stan is then hit with Facebook drama (“Stan, poke your grandma!”) until he tries to delete, which he is then sucked into the Facebook universe.

In a subplot, Kyle befriends the lonely Kip Drordy, who had zero Facebook friends. Aw, sad. Kip is ecstatic and shares every single little daily detail with him via status updates.

P.S. You can become Kip’s friend.

Unfortunately, because he befriended him, Kyle’s friends began de-friending him (which, let’s face it, is the absolute insult), causing his Farmville farm to go into turmoil. Cartman suggests that he tries Chat Roulette to find new friends. Similar to my Chat Roulette experience, they come across a lot of penises, though Cartman is persistent saying, “If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the d****.” Wise words.

And as in all great television episodes, we have a lesson to take away: Friend lists aren’t status symbols.

Now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.